A Message from the SLUH School Counselors
Over our years as School Counselors, we’ve received many calls from parents in the first few weeks of the new school year. These calls usually include one or more of the following elements:
- Help! He’s having a hard time finding friends!
- He’s really shy; he tells me he doesn’t have anywhere to sit at lunch.
- He’s the only one in his class to come to SLUH; he really misses his old friends.
- He doesn’t do anything with anybody on the weekends.
In response, there are a lot of things that parents can do. Before you say a single word, though, do consider your energy about his struggles.
- Do you want to try and “fix” his problem? In general, teens resist our impulses to make things better for them. Sometimes we serve them best by just listening attentively and validating that it’s difficult.
- Does your energy convey that you yourself are frenzied, upset or hurt? Or,does your energy communicate that you empathize with his difficulty but also trust that he can handle things?
Normalization and emotional validation are probably the most important things a parent can do. Normalize that starting anything new is stressful. Put whatever kind words you want around something like this to validate his feelings:
- “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and your transition to SLUH. The building is new, you have different teachers, your classmates come from all over St. Louis, the schedule is different than what you had in 8th grade, and you must miss some of your old friends who went to different high schools.... I bet it’s been really hard / scary / draining (pick whatever word feels right) for you.”
- NOTE: Perhaps you could share a story of a transition you went through and how it took you time to adjust, but please do not share your story if you think he’ll just roll his eyes about your experience. This really needs to be about him!
Can you “draw from the well” of his past successes?
Sometimes we do a great service to our teens when we remind them of their inner strengths/past successes.
- “Joey, I remember when you joined that Club Soccer team. You didn’t know a soul, but you persisted and contributed so much to the team.”
- “Billy, I remember when you did that overnight camp with your scouting troop. You were so nervous about it – but you were really brave and did it!”
Take him to his “island of competence/comfort.”
When he’s stressed — and most freshmen are — it’s so helpful to come back to the familiar.
- Take him out for an ice cream! (who doesn’t like ice cream?)
- Is he an athlete? “Have a catch” with him.
- Is he a movie buff? Take him to the latest release!
- Is he good with his hands? Do a project together or ask for his help on something and then “ooh and ahh” over how amazing he is!
Consider “where else he belongs” — and take him there.
- Maybe he really misses his grade school classmates. Help him arrange a get together with his old buddies.
- Is he a part of his Church youth group? Help him get to that Wednesday meeting!
- Is your family close? Host a Sunday supper and (privately) encourage his favorite aunts/uncles to check in with him.
Consider your SLUH resources.
Your School Counselor is in your corner! We are currently meeting with our Freshmen and their Moms and Dads. The School Counselor’s role is to support our students as they transition to SLUH. This meeting is a safe place to discuss concerns and develop some strategies.
You can also reach out to your son’s Teachers and Advisors. Feel free to check in with them and let you know how he’s doing. Perhaps they’ll say that he really seems to be doing well (which might come as a happy surprise). Perhaps they’ll confirm your suspicion that he doesn’t seem to be connecting. If that’s the case, the Advisor (in particular) can make an extra effort to reach out and help your son figure out where to plug in.
Finally, do assess the need for any outside help/support.
If there’s a family predisposition towards anxiety, any transition will tend to exacerbate it. If there is a family history of depression, the feeling of “I’m overwhelmed” can certainly spill over into mood and sleep and create problems. Your School Counselor can help you assess things and point you towards helpful resources in the community.
