The current sanitizing system, which consists of a spray for desks and a pump bottle for hands, has proven problematic for the bacteria of SLU High, who tend to occupy the hands and desks of the teenage boys that simply wet their hands in the bathroom and call it a day.

“It’s already tough with this whole social distancing thing, but then they go and add sanitation to the mix,” said local bacteria John Wartz, safely lodging himself in the armpit of a sophomore after the student itched his pits during chemistry class. “I haven’t been able to see my three million cousins in ages, and suddenly 99.9 percent of my friends are wiped out in one fell swoop. I don’t know if I can take much more of this.”

The administration has already done its part to decrease the germ mortality rate by filling the pump bottles with what appears to be maple syrup disguised as sanitizer.

“Thankfully, we’ve been able to spare some bacteria because most people don’t like the feeling of rubbing a hair gel-like substance on your hands and then being unable to open a door for several minutes while you wait for the sanitizer to dry,” said SLUH president Alan Carruthers, who is also using the hand sanitizer as a lubricant for his car. “In these difficult times, we have to do our best to support everyone, no matter how small.”

At press time, the administration announced that they would be holding weekly coughing sessions so that the bacteria had a chance to interact and multiply as best as possible.

art | Nathan Rich