Are you a bully? Most of us would answer by saying “of course not!”

I took a walk down freshman hall the other day and I heard some unsettling things:

“xxxxx is way better at basketball than xxxxx is.”

“I hate xxxxx.”

I was recently in an advisory room and asked the question of students: “Is there bullying at SLUH?” Sadly, a few students indicated that there was. I remember thinking: “we’ve got some work to do.”

Something I have always appreciated about SLUH is that students here seem to accept and embrace each other in their differences. Sure, we don’t all agree on everything—but I’ve seen a fundamental acceptance of the value and worth of “the other” no matter what. It makes me proud to be here. And yet, I heard what I heard on freshman hall. I heard what I heard in that advisory room. 

Bullying hurts. I know because I was myself a victim of it in high school. A fellow athlete who wasn’t satisfied with my performance would openly criticize my playing to others. It was humiliating. He had played the same position as I … why didn’t he just teach me how to be better versus berating me? How come I couldn’t find the courage to ask him to stop yelling about me to his friends and help me instead?

Bullying is ugly. It leaves invisible bruises, and so it’s important to talk about. 

While we might think that bullying involves just two people (the “bully” and the “victim,”) there is frequently a third party involved: “the bystander.” Experts tailor unique messages for those who find themselves in each role:

For those who pick on others: please recognize that your behavior often comes from your own place of hurt. Hurt people hurt people. If you yourself have been wounded and made to feel less, talk with a counselor. It might be that you are passing on the hurt you received because you don’t know how else to transform it.

If you are the target of a bully, you have rights. Foremost is your right not to have to suffer in silence! www.stopbullying.gov offers these helpful words of advice:

• Talk to an adult you trust. Don’t keep your feelings inside. Telling someone can help you feel less alone. They can help you make a plan to stop the bullying.
• Stay away from places where bullying happens.
• Stay near adults and other kids. Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around. 

If you are a bystander and see bullying behavior, I call on you to be brave. Move from being a “bystander” to an “upstander.” Insert yourself into the situation. Perhaps calling it out by saying “hey, that’s not cool” could help. Perhaps taking the “victim” aside and saying “come on, take a walk with me” might really save the day. If you are witnessing bullying behavior, another option is to get an adult.

Here’s the hard truth: Bullying only flourishes where it is tolerated. Not saying anything could make it worse for everyone.

Let’s go, SLUH. Let’s be our best, most inclusive selves.