Following reports that Assistant Dean of Students Dan Schulte was stuffing candy full of JUGs and demerits, the school issued a warning letter on Tuesday, Oct. 9 to parents of Jr. Bills, telling them to check their sons’ Halloween treats before consumption.

“I felt that, in the spirit of Halloween, I’d give them something to be afraid of,” said Schulte, cramming 17 JUGs into a Snickers bar. “There’s been a lack of JUGs around the school, and people were becoming too comfortable. What better time to put the fear of God in them than on an unofficial holiday?”

The decision has proven to be traumatic for many freshmen, who are new to the experience of JUGs.

“I don’t know how I’m going to recover from this,” said one freshman slumped on the floor with paper and chocolate covering his lips after he having opened four consecutive bars with eight JUGs each. 

“I think it’s a learning experience for the students,” said Schulte. “We live in a society where people just aren’t paranoid enough that they’re going to find slips of paper in their food that require them to complete hours of unpaid labor.”

According to sources, Schulte will be standing outside of his house berating trick-or-treaters who aren’t following dress code while most SLUH students are turning to their dogs to help them get out of their extra work.