With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, love is on the minds of many students here at St. Louis U. High. Students across all four classes have been rushing to find heart-shaped chocolate boxes and bouquets of red roses for their girlfriends and unsuspecting crushes. However, there is one individual in our school community that no one really expected to find that special someone: the Jr. Bill himself.

The Jr. Bill was spotted in the Walgreens on Hampton in the V-Day aisle, hands full of romantic candies.

“I was honestly shocked. I just saw him standing there, and I ran when he looked my way, ” said an anonymous student who was afraid to reveal his name. “You never know what kind of repercussions may come from revealing the secrets of our beloved mascot.”

But here at the Prep News, we take pride in seeking out the truth. Besides, we already have a love-hate relationship with STUCO. It is our solemn duty to investigate the potentially illicit affair of the Jr. Bill.

And so we forge on. First, it is always important to question those close to the suspect.

“I consider myself to be pretty good friends with him, and he didn’t say anything about it,” lamented student body president AJ Thompson. “I’m kinda hurt.”

When the first step fails, it is imperative that you leave no stone unturned. We conducted a deep dive into social media platforms and dating websites to discover any hints as to the object of the Jr. Bill’s affection. Unfortunately we only came across more shirtless pictures of AJ Thompson.

There are quite a few options for this secret lover: Nerinx Hall’s Marker, Cor Jesu Academy’s Charger, St. Joseph’s Angel, and many, many more. How to pinpoint the exact Ms. Bill?

Upon interrogations of each and every mascot, in a shocking turn of events revealed itself. The Jr. Bill’s sordid affair was even more heinous than expected. The Jr. Bill and the De Smet Spartan are in a long-time bromance!

 

Prep News – the weekly student-run newspaper of St. Louis U. High
Copyright ©2020 of St. Louis U. High's Prep News
No material may be reprinted without the permission of the editors and the moderator.