Ever since her passing just after noon yesterday, communities around the world have been mourning the late Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain. However, as a Prep News investigation has revealed, the entire story of the Queen’s death was an elaborate hoax aimed at excusing her from her royal duty in order to assume the role of Principal at St. Louis U. High.

After current Principal Fr. Ian Gibbons, SJ, announced last May that he was moving on following this school year, members of a search committee immediately commenced an extensive search for a successor.  Though many candidates were considered, members of the committee were especially struck by Queen Elizabeth’s qualification for the role.

“I mean, when you look at it, she is really just the perfect fit for this role,” said President Alan Carruthers. “She’s incredibly well-qualified, and it turns out that she really wanted the job. Believe it or not, Elizabeth came to us first. Elizabeth brings a unique skill set to the role, and we are just delighted to have her here next year.”

Despite her advanced age, the Queen was intent on a new challenge after seven decades of ruling over one of the world’s most influential nations.  As it turns out, that challenge presented itself in the daunting task of serving as SLUH’s principal. 

However, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t just abandon her constituents without cause, so a decision was made in coordination with the Royal Family, SLUH Board of Trustees, and the BBC to fake the Queen’s death in order to give her an opportunity to flee to St. Louis.

Said Gibbons, “We felt bad lying to the whole world, we really did.  But it had to be done.  The future of St. Louis U. High will benefit greatly from the great work that Elizabeth will do in these halls.”