After being forced to quarantine, jolly old Santa Claus appointed SLUH’s semi-professional look alike, Mr. Dan Schulte to temporarily fulfill his holiday duties this year. 

On Tuesday, Dec. 15, sources confirmed that Santa Claus contracted the novel coronavirus after attending an elf rager last Friday night in his workshop, reportedly having shaken his Santa Claus thang all night with more than 200 elves and several reindeer. Forced to quarantine for two weeks, Santa called on Schulte to bring holiday cheer to all the good little boys and girls. 

“Schulte was an obvious choice,” said Santa in a Zoom interview from the North Pole. “You know he has that defining characteristic of a big belly which sort of jiggles like jelly, that just sealed the deal.” 

Schulte will be tasked with delivering presents to all of the good little boys and girls this year, a job that he looks forward to. 

“Over the past two years I have begun to sort of—key word, sort of—develop a fondness for children,” said Schulte as he loosened his belt a notch in order to accommodate the major consumption of cookies he will endure on Christmas eve. “I still don’t really like them, but hey when the big guy (Saint Nick) calls you up, you can’t turn him down.” 

Schulte however isn’t looking forward to making kids’ Christmas merry; instead, he is ecstatic about the chance to deliver JUGS to millions of naughty kids around the world.

“Yeah coal was old-fashioned,” said Schulte with a twinkle in his eye. “Santa’s punishment system for naughty kids needed a revamp so I was like, ‘Perfect, I deal with naughty kids on a daily basis’, I’ll just use the system that I know works at SLUH, the JUG.” 

Upon learning of Schulte’s appointment, many students of St. Louis U. High flooded social media outlets warning kids to not expect presents this year, just JUGS.