This past Thursday, freshman Chad Janwoski eagerly ran to his lunch table and revealed that he had FINALLY found the perfect Christmas gift for his girlfriend. He bragged to all of his friends that he had the most original present out of anybody anywhere from any time period.
“You know I was just scrolling through my emails and the idea just hit me, what does every St. Louis high school girl want? An authentic St. Louis U. High hockey hoodie,” said Janwoski as he flexed his muscles, and ran his hand through his egregiously long hair.
His friends were stunned at his originality and brilliance. They see him as the model boyfriend and have all since purchased the same item for their Snapchat girlfriends, whom they assert are real people that they have met in real life.
“Man, Chad is just the coolest. He really knows what he is doing with this relationship thing,” said an anonymous freshman. “I hope that when I finally have the courage to ask out a girl, I will be able to handle the relationship in the same mature manner.”
After Janwoski’s surprise announcement, freshmen rushed the Commons stage in a frenzy, attempting to secure a coveted hoodie. The hockey team says that sales have since skyrocketed due to the influx of Christmas shoppers.
“These generic, I mean genius boyfriends have really helped to boost sales,” said the Head of Hockey Hoodies inc. Jeff Maher. “I think all of their girlfriends are just going to love our product and become even more infatuated, I mean in love with their boyfriends.”
At press time, Prep News analysts were predicting that the number of single freshmen would increase in the coming weeks as girlfriends quickly realized that their SLUH boyfriends got them all the EXACT same thing.
“A lot of freshman will probably be very heartbroken when they return from Christmas break,” said senior PN analyst Nathan Rich as he crunched some numbers. “But my predictions show that they will quickly get over it. I mean all freshman relationships are basically a joke anyway. Right?”
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