SLUH admin announces inclusion of hamster balls into safety protocols following Thanksgiving

Following that Nov. 1 announcement detailing the school’s future plans for in-person classes, the SLUH administration decided to implement the wearing of giant, see-through hamster balls by students to prevent the spread of the coronavirus following the return from Thanksgiving break. 

“After weeks of tireless experiments on freshmen, we determined the hamster ball method to be the most effective,” said principal Ian Gibbons, barely audible over the sound of crashing plastic in the hallway.

To better accommodate the new regulations, the school has decided to restructure itself into a series of tubes, replacing chairs with platforms for the hamster balls.

“It’s kind of tough going down hallways, in all honesty,” said junior Nathan Rich, sipping from one of the giant water dispensers that have been installed on the walls. “Some people go faster than others, and sometimes the pipes will clog with sophomores and someone has to come along with a giant plunger to get them out.”

While the precautions have proven effective for the most part when it comes to transportation and preventing the spread of the novel coronavirus, there have been unexpected difficulties in some areas.

“Yeah, it’s kind of hard to take a whiz when you’re stuck in a giant plastic ball,” said an anonymous sophomore. “Like, you push the ball as close to the stall as possible, but you’re still, like, four feet away. And when you try to walk closer to the stall, the ball starts spinning until suddenly you’re out in the middle of the hall again.”

At press time, the administration announced that they will be adding loop-de-loops to the paths because it ‘seems pretty neat.’