Following a week-long return to all-online school on Monday, Nov. 30, students reported on Tuesday that the eye fatigue caused by back-to-back days of five hours of Zoom calls induced visions of the prophesied end of all time and space, along with images of various SLUH teachers.

“I had just finished school and was about to lay down in bed for a bit when I was bombarded with scenes of death and destruction that resembled John’s prophecy in the book of Revelation, but my fear then was nothing in comparison to the horror I felt when I saw an image of Mr. Schulte wearing a speedo and taking a dive into his new swimming pool,” said senior Alex Unseth. 

In addition to the usual fire and brimstone stuff, other students reported visions of Schulte shaving his legs in preparation for a swim and other glimpses into the personal lives of many of their beloved teachers.

“Yeah, yeah, end of all times nearing and stuff, but you should have seen this one vision I saw of Mrs. Carroll dunking on Dr. Callon,” said senior Carter Fortman, moving his hands around to mimic the event.

Some students informed the Prep News that they’d even started having visions during the ten-minute break between classes.
“I’d be having a quick break from Ms. Ice’s class and then bam, I’m watching the end of the world and then seeing Mr. Wehner doing some laundry,” said a freshman.

At press time, the SLUH administration informed reporters that, despite the impending apocalypse, SLUH would not be taking time off from virtual school.