Following the return from Thanksgiving break the Saint Louis U. High administration instituted a new set of hallway safety laws to go along with the one-way signs already in place, inducing the introduction of traffic lights, speed bumps, and a carpool lane along with many other roadway standards. While the administration had hoped this would cut down on reckless behavior in the hallways, the school has seen an uptick in reckless walking behavior that has resulted in several accidents.

“The hallways have been disastrous ever since they started enforcing all these new laws,” said a sophomore, struggling to merge into a freshman hallway. “I just got my walker’s license a few days ago, and I’m afraid of jacking up my insurance by getting into a bumping accident.”

The most catastrophic accident occurred on Monday, Dec. 7 when an upperclassman, who was texting and walking into the oncoming hoard of students, sped through a red light and crashed into a nearby freshman, all the while saying, “I can make it. I can make it.” The incident incurred a seven-person pileup and required the presence of now high-hallway patrol officer Dan Schulte to rectify the situation.

“There’s definitely been a huge increase in hall rage,” said Schulte, sporting a bright orange vest and reflective stop sign after being stationed at the intersection between the Math and English offices. “I”ve heard the occasional BLANKS, a few BLANKS, and one ‘Get off the road you senior citizen’ directed at a class of ‘21 student. Some of the guys have even started carrying freshmen on their backs so that they can walk in the carpool lane.”

At press time, all administration representatives were late after they were caught behind a squad of football players in the basement during the 3:15 p.m. rush hour after they had tried to take an alternative route to beat the traffic.