After the release of the new learning schedule on Sunday, Nov. 1, SLUH’s Student Council decided to release their new line of what they’re calling “Anxiety Bags” to help ease an inexplicably large amount of stress among the student body.

The idea was brought up at the latest StuCo meeting after confusion arose over the obvious stress most students were experiencing.

“We were kind of confused at first as to why students are so stressed out all of a sudden, but then we figured it out,” said Senior Class President Grant Sussman, standing in front of a board of the latest pandemic results. “It’s because they don’t have enough merch.”

The merchandise, consisting of a paper bag with a Billiken sticker slapped on the side, are designed so that students can either breathe heavily into them or go all out and just scream their worries out.

“It’s been a huge success so far,” said English teacher Steve Missey as he assigned another two hours of homework to his students. “The incorporation of more merch to the school has really eased tensions and allowed students to stop stressing about whatever the hell they were worrying about.”

The only downside of the bags so far has been the constant screaming filling the halls of the U High.

“It’s weird sometimes when you’re trying to do a math test and you suddenly hear someone screaming down the hall,” said senior Carter Fortman. “It’s like they think there’s something more stressful going on than my math test.”

At press time, StuCo reported that they will be expanding their merch to include a new line of SLUH underwear to add even more spirit to the school.