With the Thanksgiving season rapidly approaching, many turkeys this year have expressed feeling unsafe about attending family dinners due to the surge in coronavirus cases that is leaving many locked inside of their homes.

“In a time where being within six feet of someone is deemed unsafe and even dangerous because of the deadly pandemic floating around, I just don’t know if I’m comfortable with tickling everyone's uvula this year after being doused in gravy,” said local turkey Cluck Gobbleton.

As a result, SLUH has had to cancel its tradition of donating a cooked turkey every year.

“It kind of sucks, but you’ve got to respect them,” said theology teacher and turkey stuffer extrordinaire Fr. Joseph Hill, S.J., preparing to stuff a freshman’s inbox with missing assignment emails.

The turkeys, big supporters of more renewable sources of meat, have been promoting the use of tofu turkeys but promise to return next year when it’s much safer to be killed and either boiled, baked, or deep fried.

“I know it’ll taste like you’re eating a pile of wet cereal dust, but I think it’s really the best thing you can do right now during this pandemic,” said Gobbleton.

At press time, the National Association of Pigs informed reporters that they will be requiring COVID tests be administered before they allow someone to cook, glaze, and slice them for the upcoming Christmas season.