What is one thing that every Saint Louis High School student wants? Craves even? More class time of course! This year, amid certain schedule changes, the appetite for more instructional hours has grown ravenous among the student body, causing some to call for the removal of all non-teaching portions of the day.

When planners were passed out, upon flipping through the first weeks of the schedule, students jumped with joy. Shouts of glee were heard throughout the building, but they quickly turned to groans of anguish when students realized Activity Period and lunch remained as part of the schedule. 

So far, countless letters to the editors and emails to the offices of Fr. Matthew Stewart SJ and Dr. Brock Kesterson have demanded the immediate removal of these pointless moments of non-learning. 

“Stop lunch immediately!” said senior Theo Agniel, who has been picketing on the turnaround since last Monday. “I would much rather be educating myself than stuffing my face in the Commons.”

But sometimes even the best things have difficulties. In an effort to frantically fill their schedule, numerous upperclassmen were seen lining up outside SLUH Registrar Tricia Schuler’s desk.

“There’s been a sudden interest in retaking Freshmen Biology, Survey of Performing Arts, AP Guinea Pig Husbandry, and Intro to How to Use a Planner,’” said Schuler.

In order to combat the students’ disapproval of lunch remaining on the schedule, English teacher Terry Quinn is now offering a Zero Hour lunch course. The syllabus includes limoncello La Croix, a microgreen and grape seed oil salad, and a copy of Shakespeare’s Macbeth that students are free to tear and eat from.

“Mmmfh … delicious, and delicious, and delicious,” said Quinn as he reached Macbeth’s infamous Act Five soliloquy.

Some students are taking their activism to the extremes, going on mass hunger strikes and other nonviolent protests reminiscent of a more turbulent age.

“Must …  have … more … i-instructional hours,” mumbled a malnourished freshman found wandering half-conscious in the third floor of the J-wing. 

Many of you may have picked up on a distinct odor in the hallways recently. It’s been discovered that Kesterson and Director of Security Dan Schulte have had to crack down on the use of adult diapers, a tool some students have started using to remove any time wasted in the bathroom. More on SLUH’s diaper black market next week.