On Friday, Sept. 18, sources confirmed that, after much deliberation, Satan finally decided to redesign the fifth circle of Hell to incorporate endless Zoom calls with poor internet quality. 
    “Oh yeah, I’m totally doing that,” said Satan, the first fallen angel and betrayer of God Almighty. “I had been toying with the idea of making people watch their favorite sports teams lose over and over again, but this is not only more cost effective but also ticks people off way more on a daily basis. What better to put in the circle for those plagued with rage in life than a tiny little screen that they don’t fully understand and won’t ef-ing cooperate?”
    The additions to the realm of eternal suffering have allowed  SLUH English teacher Mr. Terry Quinn to make the “Dante and the Modern World” class more interactive.
    “For the first time that I’ve taught this class, the students actually get to experience an aspect of Hell,” said Quinn, tampering with the school WiFi to make the Zoom call as painful as possible. 
    The method of torture has proven to be effective, and ratings for the fifth circle have never been higher.
    “The trick is to lure them into a false sense of security,” said Satan, after explaining something crucial to the sinners on mute and subsequently turning off his video. “When things are going bad, you give them a full minute of clear audio and then right when they think everything’s gonna be fine, BOOM—the computer starts installing system updates. Works every time.”
    At press time, Satan revealed that he was considering planting an unmuted demon with a constantly barking dog in all calls.